*~*jokes*~*
3 woman and their 1 child each were in a theoripy session.
"Okay, woman #1, you're obsessed with money and you named your child penny. Woman #2, you're obsessed with flowers and named your child Daisy-"
Woman #3 grabs her son and begins to walk away, saying "C'mon, Dick, we're going home.
Three guys are stranded on an island, and they find a Indian tribe. The chief tells them each to come back with ten of one fruit. The first guy came back with apples, so the chief says to jam them up his butt, with no facial expressions. He jammed the first one up, an he screamed, so the chief killed him. The second guy came back with grapes, and he had to do the same thing. He shoved nine up, and then he laughed. The chief killed him. In heaven, guy#1 asked guy #2,
"Why did you laugh? You just died!"
Guy #2 answers,"I saw Phill coming back with pineapples!"
Once Chuck Norris lit a fart in the Sahara Forest.
Chuck Norris just peed your pants.
Once Chuck Norris was challenged to a pissing contest outside a bar. His opponent drowned.
Chuck Norris was born with two umbilical cords: on red and one blue. the bomb squad cut the wrong one.
Chuck Norris can eat coal and poop out diamond.
Chuck Norris once killed the pope in an arguement over who had a better beard: Jesus or Norris (I'm really sorry if that offends anyone.)
Chuck Norris is so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra. After five days of excuciating pain, the cobra died. 
When Chuck Norris bleeds, oak trees sprout from where the blood falls.
Chuck Norris' advice? GROW A BEARD.
I'll post more later if i can remember some.
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I hate homework. Which is why mah teachers give me so much. 
Bengalz Rule! Like this one.
Ah luvins muh kittums! (latin for I love my cats... not reall
wow that s amazing!!!
Here's another
When Chuck Norris does a puush up he doesn't go up the world goes down
Sweating bullets is literaly what chuck norris does when he gets hot
Chuck norris has counted to infinty.... twice
Chuck Norris doesn't dodge bullets bullets dodge him
When you play monoply with chuck norris you do not pass go you do not collect 2oo dollars you're luck if you get out alive!!
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Vote Coke
Rainbows are what happens when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks someone.
Chuck Norris' kid went missing one day. She turned up six months later in his beard.
Chuck Norris can't be beat in Rock-Paper-Scissors. That's because he doesn't play. Chuck Norris plays Rock-Paper-Scissors-Roundhouse kick. Chuck Norris always wins at Rock-Paper-Scissors-Roundhouse kick.
The greek pronouncition of Chuck Norris is Zeus.
Once Chuck Norris went to the Virgin Islands on vacation. When he came back, they were renamed the Islands.
Ever seen the Grand Canyon? Chuck Norris had nothing to do with it. Seriously. He was just there on a family vacation.
Chuck Norris dug the Panama Canal with one hand.
If Chuck Norris looks at you and even THINKS about Jesus, you are immediately converted to Christianity.
Give MacGyver a pocketknife and a toothpick and he'll escape from handcuffs. Give Chuck Norris the same tools and he'll end a war, build a mansion, and start a business, all while carrying a pocketknife and toothpick around in his pocket.
WWII only happened because Chuck Norris was taking a nap.
Chuck Norris is the reason the dinosaurs are extinct.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris can make you bleed with his mind.
One year Ozzy Ozbourn bit the head off a bat. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris bit the head off of Batman.
Chuck Norris does not go hunting. That implies that he might fail. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Once Chuck Norris was asked if his real name was Charles. That guy was never seen again.
When Chuck Norris cuts in line, the line bleeds.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he sees you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you're about to die.
I'll post more later. Shhot, i have school tomorrow. Sigh. Well, i'll post more sometime.
--
I hate homework. Which is why mah teachers give me so much.
Bengalz Rule! Like this one.
Ah luvins muh kittums! (latin for I love my cats... not reall
ok so there are three guys stranded in the jungle and one is real fat(and hungry) ,the other cries from being kicked out of hollywood for crieing to much, and the other is a ordinary city boy. so there walking through the jungle (while th ordinary guy is rolling the fat guy) looking for food. when they come to a cliff. "i wanna just kill myself" mourned the hollywood guy. when the fat guy spots something shiny in the bushes. so the ordinary guy goes and gets it."wow" he says."its a geenie lamp!" so he rubbs it. and poof a big red geenie pops out. "you have three wishes!".yelled the geenie.thinking this was his chance the hollywood guy pushes the ordinary guy out of the way and says, "i wish i didnt mourn all the time and i was back in hollywood as a movie star." and so he was a movie star. then the fat guy said, "i wish i was back at home with all the food a can eat!" and so he was. then it was the ordinary guys turn. "hmmmm......i dont know?" he says. "i want it to be for the good of all mankind." and so the geenie throws him off the cliff.
as too what happened to the fat, and hollywood guy well. the fat guy died from eating the pioson food the geenie gave him and since the hollywood guy didnt know how to act he was again kicked out of hollywood. THE END.
so there are three guys on a game show and the game show people will tell you a 1000 jokes and if dont laugh at any of them you win $50,000.its guy #1s turn, he laughs at the 134th joke.guy #2 laughs at the 405th joke. guy #3 was going really good and he was at number 999 when he laughes.and the other people ask why he laughed and he says (while laughing)"I JUST GOT THE FIRST JOKE!!!" 
YOU ARE SO FAT EVERY TIME YOU TAKE A STEP YOU HAFTO BUY YOU OWN AREA CODE!
YOUR so stupid you couldnt find a book in a library.
you are soo fat that when a bus goes by you yell TWINKY!!
YOUR so stupid that you brought a spoon to a super bowl.
oh moms coming
when in rome find a map and get back to america!
your moma is so ugly that when she looked out the window the police arrestid her for mooning.
your momma is so ugly that when she went to a ugly contest they said sorry no proffessionals.
your momma is so ugly that all the neighbors chipped in for curtains.
your momma is so old that moses is in her year book.
your momma is so old that she new burger prince before burger king.
your skool is so pore that your principal steels your lunch money.
Ways to Annoy others in the Bathroom
1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''
2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''
5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. ''Now how did that get there?''
8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''
10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''
14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''
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I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend.
I found out later that the flower shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said, "Deepest Condolences," and sent the card to the funeral home that said, "I know it's hot where you're going, but you deserve it."
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A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
found this one too
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A Marine and Navyman are in the bathroom together, and the Marine goes to leave without washing his hands.
"Hey," says the Navyman, "in the Navy they teach us to wash our hands."
"In the Marines, they teach us not to piss on our hands."
Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick the back of your face.
Chuck Norris has no concept of time. If you are at a party at his house, and you tell him you have to leave because it's getting late, he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.
Chuck Norris was once denied a Bacon Mcmuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35. He roundhouse kicked it so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris can stare at you until your head explodes.
Once Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked someone so hard, it broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Ameliea Earheart as she flew over the Pacific.
--
I hate homework. Which is why mah teachers give me so much.
Bengalz Rule! Like this one.
Ah luvins muh kittums! (latin for I love my cats... not reall
right down one of your favorite jokes to tell people
"Kick a cat"